THEORY OF THE MUTALWALEE-Are they like the Football Managers or are the Managers Like Them

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By Uncle Bhai Gora

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The other day I was a bit early for Maghrib prayers in one of the bigger Mosques in the area and I noticed  one of the custodians of the Mosque  (Mutawalee) with SSBV written on his Kurta. I wondered what on Earth is that Areh Wah.Is this the new Daffah Qurtas. Then I asked one of the guys in the Mosque.What does that stand for and his repky was swift. “Thats Sir Solly Bhaai Vaid”. The Mutawalee of the Mosque. I said “Oh Ok.”

This made me draw parallels that it is indeed true. Our Local Mutawalees are now becoming like the Iron fisted Gaffers that Manage the Big Clubs in World Football.

How often have we had instances where central heating was refused by Management to be switched off and yet it was 30 degress outside. The Fan and Window are constant issues where Mutawalees battle with renegade midfielders in the Mosques. These days Mutawalees seem to be Dictators rather than Custodians.

I remember I went with Swoosh for a salaat in a masiet and the Mutawalee kept looking at his pink Juventus kit. I told Swoosh,Areh bhaai go put on a Joobah. Then the Mutawalee  kept on turning around before Iqamaah to look at Us. Were we criminals.Is a Mosque not meant for us all.

I was in one of the prestigious Mosques ,Lets call it Old Trafford and a Mutawalee touched me on the shoulder and said that I am in his place. What place.Since when does One have a Parking in the Mosque

These days Mutawalees seem to flourish in Big and New Mosques. They act like the Owners. Just like how Pep was lured to the Alianz Arena. Pep is Spanish. he doesnt own Bayern. Munich does. Get my point. Why do Mutawalees act like Owners and Managers. Yes credit where credit is due they supervise and manage the Mosque but I just feel some of them or most of them are striving for Power, They want to be the Kings Of Europe and their leagues.

So what type of Mutawalees do you get. Ive outlined a few

THE SIR ALEX FERGUSON

This Mutwalee rules with an Iron fist. He has been around for years. The Musalees fear and respect him. He is powerfull in and outside the Mosque. He is not afraid to blast Big name Hufaaz and Imaams. He even threw a chample at one power Imaam, Eish he even controls the Muazeen with time to give Azaan in Ramadaan and Fajr just like Fergie Time. He either retires or dies. But will be remembered in that Masiet

THE ARSENE WENGER

This Mutawalee is loved by all. He believes in a Legacy. If he is not in the Mosque people say its not the same. He has been lured to move to other areas but has refused. He is given so much money by the Musalees but promises to spend but never does. Then when the Carpet tears he goes and buy a Persian carpet with the finest of fibres. The Musalees then love him again. An so The Cycle Continues

THE JOSE MOURINHO

This Mutawalee is Flamboyant,charasmetic and successfull off the pitch. He has stayed in Greenside,Houton,Lenz and has left a mark in his tenure. His precense lures Big Readers and crowds throughout the year.He passes side comments and perhaps instigates emails about other Mosques. He needles the people that are contributing to the Mosques. He takes to social media to jibe other Muftis. He even phones in to Ask Mufti to stir problems. People always make a SPECIAL prayer for Him

THE LOUIE VAN GAAL

This Mutawalee comes with a Big Reputation. He looks intoxicated most of the time but is not. He brings a Philosophy to the Masiet. His Imams read slow, there is no excitement. He starts boring the Musalees. They all want him out but he stays. He tells all his Bangee saaps to leave then faces the warth of the communitee when there is no one to give Azaan,This Mutawalee comes with a reputation. He brings in Hufaaz and Imaams with looks and reputation but forgets that he needs Long term guys that will shore up and protect the Mosq. He brings in on loan Imam with a voice that always goes and his security in the Masiet is neglegted which makes it wasy pickings on the Break or Break in.He eventually gets compared to the previous Mutawalee His days are numbered

THE RAFA BENITEZ

This Mutawalee is sound and often rules with stead. However his constant rotation of carpets,Lights,Imams,and different Muazeens often frustrates Musalees and he gets the Chop

THE PEP GAURDIOLA

This Mutawalee is charasmetic, Many say that he is often found in Mosques where his work is Minimal And most of the work is done for Him. He makes the Saaties perform their duties like Tika Taka Football.He prefers Imaams to read Short Rakaats just like Tikka Takka

THE GUUS HIDDINK

This poor Mutawalee has spent his time and tenure at many big Mosques. As soon as he relaxes and wants to get away from the politics and tension of it all,A Big Mosque always summons him to save the situation. He is steady,disciplined,not worried about the tiles and carpets but focuses on the Imams and day to day activities to be completed

THE KEVIN KEEGAN

This poor Mutawalee tries his hardest. He gives heart and soul. He is  a poor man off the pitch yet a Hard Worker . He is not the wealthiest of Men. He gives his heart and soul in a place where Musalees think they in Sandton.Then he gets Blasted

THE HARRY REDNAPP

Often this Mutawalee is brought into Masiets where predecessors before him has caused so much damage that his work Ethic restores the status and plight

THE JOMO SONO

This Mutawalee is brought in when the Mosque renovation ,rubble and leaked pipes are cleared. He steps on the new Carpet. reads a few Tarawees and calls it a day. The Poor Mutawalee before him who cleaned the toilets and looked after the leaky Wuzu Kana is left lamenting and sad as he looks at a vacant post that he onced loved with his Heart

THE GRAEME SOUNESS

This Mutawalee runs a great Mosque.A solid band of Musalees and Readers. He then buys all the wrong lighting,changes to poor carpets. Brings in stubborn India Imams. The Musalees get restless and in a nut shell what was a smooth top Masjid becomes a Masjid of sheer chaos.Its like a Piechniek ,no pun inteded Torben

THE DAVID MOYES

This Mutawalee runs a top and prestigious Mosque. He takes over from a Top Man that left a Legacy. He gets so Under Pressure that he lets the Musalees Run the Mosque and he  sits on a Chair:)

THE JURGEN KLOPP

This Mutawalee comes with excitement. Hes made small Mosques Big. He comes with passion. He loves the Musaleees and the Imaams and the Bhanghees. He Hugs them after great performances. Give him Money to spend and he will make your Mosque feel like the Blue Mosque

 THE BRENDON ROGERS

In his first year in charge the community Musalees Love him. He brings in guys and his star performer attracts crowds from every community.Then the Imam bites a Musaleee after a arguement ensured because the Imam read a long dua.The Imam is banned and  goes to the Northern Suburbs where he is sought after. The next year he brings in a Muazin that refuses to perform. He is currently under tremendous pressure and has since been seen looking for a new Mosque

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