THEORY OF BAKRI EID By Uncle Bhai Gora

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qurb

Areh Wah its that time of the year again and its time when the muslim brothers slaughter for Qurbani. Now this is a very different Eid from the first one. This Eid involves the Farm and slaughtering. Now on this auspicious day we find many characters that make this wonderful and blessed day alot of fun. Throughout my experience Areh Wah I will try to outline these charcaters.Lets start of with the first one

THE SPARTAN

This is a man that you often find when you enter the farm. In his camaflage overalls and massive machete this man looks like He will Tell you and scream “THISSSSSS ISSSSSSS SPARTAAAAAA”. He stands bloodied like a warrior.His knife is dripping with blood. He kicks a Sheeps head to the side. To him the livestock are Persians. THousands of them. To him the farm is SPARTA, He is a Spartan and all the other men slaughtering are Spartans. He stays at the farm from morning till the evening boasting a thousand kills. This is a true warrior on Bakri Eid

THE VIRTUAL SLAUGHTERER

Now this man these days is becoming common. Often a righteous man with so much of principle. A man that often dishes out Islamic Fatwahs and Masalas and acts like the Know it all. Heres the scenario. You get back from the farm,full of blood etc. Then you shower up,have breakfast and later on you see the VS. He asks you How was Eid. You reckon Eish tiring,I had to catch Sheep,Slaughter etc. Then you ask him “Your Side,How was Eid” He replies I slaughtered ten Brahmin bulls and 54 sheep. You look at him in awe and wonder whats he doing at home so early. You ask the question. “What time did you cut”. He looks at you and said “I sent it to India” . And this is the same man that shouts you for not reading labyk when you crossing the road.

SHEEP GRYLLS

Now this is the true warrior. Arrives,Cuts, Slaughters and even cleans. Arrives does his thing and in order to survive he sometimes eats the Sheeps testacles for Protein. When he gets home he braais his meat fresh and survival as well as honour of the day is his priority.

THE FARM GOVENOR

This character arrives at the farm,catches sheep gets a bit of blood on him but doesnt do the Killing. Kinda like me on Eid Day. He gives the orders, logistically he is sound and very clued up in Theory. Like a Governor of today he does the supervising but not the Killing

THE STOMACH PIRATES

These are usually domestics or Malawis that are empoyees of the slaughterers, To them the Farms are like the High Seas and they are the Pirates. At one stage my granny screamed and said in Gujerati “Alorkoh Gaanda Teygya” (These people are gone mad”) To them the stomachs are treasure and they will kill each other for it. The pirates are at every farm and where theres a stomach they are sure to set sail

FROM PARIS TO NANAS FARM

Look the farm aint a Catwalk. Yet there are models both male and female that grace these catwalks as if it were a runaway in Paris or Milan. Jimmy Choos dodge the landmines or Shit which there is plenty of in such a dainty fashion. PIMPED UP ABAYAS and High Heels and this unique walk of dodging shit and holding your nose. Sometimes the Abaya even matches the Farm. Hell dont be surprised these birds will be Pimping their Abayas with Sheep Skin. As for the guys I remember one lity came to the farm in his Eid Clothes. His mother was walloping him because he chased the sheep with his new John Drake Shoes. Its the farm,Comon. What do you expect. And the best part is when the aunty or owner of the farm comes out with Fresh Kaleji(liver) in the morning the models run away and scream as if its a campaign against PETA.

THE COW CUTTER

Now this man thinks that he has his MBA in slaughtering. You get to the cow section. The cow gets lured into the cage. People are saying Who Huh. The Uncle comes out with a sword. He Says “STAND BACK BHAAI.HIS DANGEROUS” You thinking Geez man the cow is trapped in a cage. Whats he going to do,Hijack Me. Then the uncle strikes a blow and recites Takbeer as if he is the martyr. He then goes on to give you a lesson on the types of Rump Steaks and Sirloin steaks you can find in the cow. Hell dont be surprised if he opens up a Spur the next year.

THE PAMPLONA OF INDIA

If you are an India Papa and have never cut a bull dont try it. I remember once when the farm became Pamplona. Poor India Papas made a feeble attempt to slaughter a Bull. He broke loose. Well its dangerous but equally funny at the same time. Kurtas ,Champles and PIMPED UP ABAYAS all flying. One time this Aunty went back in the direction of the bull because she lost a Swarovski. Her husband was pertified. She was more worried about the cystals than her life.

THE JOHN VARTY

JV is a renouned Wild Life photographer. At the farms you get the JVS. More often they are from Overseas and experiencing their first Eid and have never seen anything like it. They film and record with apllomb. You smile for the camera thinking that you might be shown on National Geographic. You will always find them near the Spartans

THE WORLD CUP TICKET SCALPER IS NOW SELLING SHEEP

Remember the World Cup. Category four for the final some of our okes wanted 95 000. Same theory here demand and supply. How can a cow in India be R800 and a Sheep here by R1500. Is the World Cup scalper involved here. Our guys are becoming like that. Ridiculous man. Eve FIFA are not so bad

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