Theory of Umrah by Uncle Bhai Gora



As you know UBG is performing Umrah for the entire ramadaan.He sent me his post rekindling the Umrah memmories of the early 90s.He said lots has changed since the early 90s….especialy in terms of structures and buildings.
He reiterates the days of Aziz Khogheer.So Im gonna piece his theory together in true UBG Style.

Firstly UBG says the early nineties Umrah was defined by three categories based on the South Africans.I mean UBG is proudly South African.Now baring in mind that the early 90s was an era where South Africa in terms of electronics and shopping had f#4kall.
UBG remembers the time when you seen someone with a Nike or Reebok..It only meant one thing.The lity has been for Umrah.I mean where else could you buy a nike and Reeboks

Anyway he reiterates that the first category was the Ibadat Clan,the second category was the Shopping Clan and the third was the Holiday Clan.
The Ibaddah clan was obviously those individuals that appreciated Mecca and Medina and made true justice to the term performing an Umrah.

The third category was engulfing an Umrah,feeling good about yourself that you have performed an Umrah and of course escaping the pressures of work etc and having a Holiday at the same time.
Your flight course was Flywell Travel-Board a Plane, Sit in Nairobi for a day-fly to Saudi-Stay in Green Palace or Oberoi then hack it out in Mecca-get rewarded with a three day stay in Jeddah-Pray-Shop and the true Holiday maker wil then take a connecting flight via Malaysia or Europe.There was no party stop in Dubai.

Now the second category is what UBG reminices about and that is THE SHOPPER….I mean after all…..nothing was available in South Africa nad the Saudi Riyal was 0.70 to a Rand.Can you imagine a true Shoppers paradise.
This meant that Jeddah was farz. As Jeda was the Dubai then and I think the Red Sea Palace Hotel had a South African Flag on the outside.

UBG recalls landing in Nairobi with a colleague. As the one South African flight pulls in the others Leave.UBG tells his friend.Thats a South African Family there.His friend says How do You Know?
UBGs response was swift.He says check the trolley …Theres a Big Aiwah Hi Fi that takes up most of the trolley…12 Disk CD player nogal. Also he says Check the litys have Nikes,LA Gear Lites and Reeboks and each one of them is wearing a Raymond Weil..I mean a ten year old lity wearing a Raymon Wiel. Even the small 6 month old baby had a Raymond Wiel and Gold Bangles.Also each lity had a CD player Walkman and a Ray Ban and Police sunglass over his eyes and on his head too.

Then Fatma Fooi walks past and says Ay Bhai Gora you goin for Umrah.Where you staying.UBG is Old School and says Greean Palace in Medina and Khogeer in Makka and of course Red Sea Palace in Jeddah.
Fatma Fooi says UBG you must stay in Oberooi ay the food is beautiful.UBG says Areh Wah..Fatma Fooi you look like 50 c….in fact I must call you Kruger Coin..You full of bangles and gold chains.
Fatmah Fooi laughs and waves.As her sleeve falls down She has 10 Raymond Weils along her fat hands….Areh Wah.

UBG then departs to Jeddah and to Medina.At nights in Medina UBG asks Arab man where are all the South Africans…..lity says UBG Go to that shop on the left side of Harem.There Ice Cream Shop there .Best Pista Ice Cream you ever tasted or go to Jewellery,Electronic or sound Shops.Then he sees a SA lity walking with a Cheese Burger and a Pepsi pronounced BHEPSI from Aldewan, Medinas Wimpy.
In Makkah UBG arrives at his trusty Old Aziz Khogeer. He sees a memon family loading carpets,rolls of them on to a GMC…they say to him..Ay we cant stay here man…This place is bad.People just come here,Eat,Sleep and shit and move on and its filled with South Africans.
UBG sighs and wants a cigarette.A SA lity opens his bag and UBG is amazed.The one Busby bag is full of guaais….Cartons of them. Areh Wah he asks the lity. Lity says I bought Marlboros Filters and Lights for my Uncles and dont get them in SA.

He walks on and meets Uncle Salaam.conversation ensues
UBG-“How was Tawaaf Bha”
US-“aY BAD BAH.I couldnt even kiss the Hajre Aswad”
UBG-“Areh Wah
US-“The Iranians and Turkish woman are too strong for me
UBG-“What you gonna do now BHA.?
US-“Ag I will leave it for Jeddah.My wife say I must meet her at Jewelley Shop by Hotel. He giving best deals on Raymond Weil.Just say ..You Uncle Salaams friend, But for the material and litys stuff Im leaving it for Jeddah.Everone say You must go Cornish Mall…New one heh.Slmz Cha late”

And then UBG finishes his Umrah and is surprised to see some litys with hair still. Areh Wah.
The litys choon him that there is some fatwah where you dont have to take chees Kop.They say they dont want to spoil their Mushroom haircuts which took so long to grow.

And then in Jeddah when UBG arrives at Red Sea Palace he just sees all boxes in the store room.Aiwa,Sharp,Sony,Phillips…all massive boxes.CD Players,Dual Speed,Quad Speed,10 discs, 12 discs.
He sees Uncle Salaam and says Areh Bah….So many disc.
Uncle Salaam says for the Big lity you know…….
UBG says Benchod you gonna get Slip Disc Carrying this boxes
Uncle Salaam rushes off and says….”Il see you later Bah….Small lity waiting for me at Toy Shop. My friend in Cornish got special on Remote Control Cars

UBG recalls a famous incident when he was having tea in the streets of Jedah before he left.It was dark and he went for a quiet walk. Next thing he sees these lights walking toward him.Areh Wah he thinks his time is up and he going in Jeddah of all places.Green,Red Blue lites coming at him from the dark.As the lights come nearer he breathes easy when he sees its litys with LA GEAR lights tekkies running past him.Areh Wah What a thing.

And when he flies back to Nairobi for a 8 hour delay he meets Uncle Essoep and family. UBG Says AREH wah..Whole family Got leather jackets…and its summer in South Africa.Is it Global Warming. Uncle Essoep say No.Cha Cha…We went for Umrah and flew back via Egypt..
And on his way back he sits in the plane with Unty Hajoo. UBG reading the Saudi Gazette and he see Unty Hajoo pull out 20 bottles of tippex and reciepts.Areh Wah What you doing he says.
She says” Im tippexing the last zero on all the receipts.We must show you know……………
So to conclude UBG says Svoosh.Vy day ban Chel$ki from buying.Dey should ban da South Africans…………………..
Alas now the currency,global recession and the likes of walkman & Alpine Deck Khalil and other traders have taken that aspect out of the modern day Umrah.
And there definately wasnt in the 90s.

Will make dua for all.Im meeting Iqbal Tandoori at the Kings Palace in half hour.The King told me we eating light.I must just buy ten Shwarmas on the street and make sure I brought masala from South Africa